1.    Teenagers and Dating Qualities: Responsibility

Has your son or daughter demonstrated a strong sense of responsibility? If they make a mess, do they tidy up? Do they generally take good care of their possessions? If they have an accident, do they clean it up? Do they tell you about the good and the bad things that happen to them during the course of the day? “I should have studied harder for that test. Next time, I’ll make sure I do.” Or do they blame everything and everyone around them? “Stupid Mr. Miller made the test so hard! He never told us that section on Logarithms was included!”

If you are going to start permitting teenagers and dating in your household, trust this teen dating advice: you sure as sherbet want to know that your kid is capable of taking responsibility, not only for themselves, but for their date too! Bad behavior is born out of irresponsibility. Bad accidents are caused by irresponsible behavior. Now we don’t ever plan accidents, but we can do our best to avoid them. And when it comes to teenagers and dating, you don’t want your precious son or daughter to exit their teen years with anything but the very best of memories. Perhaps the occasional heart break… but nothing else.

2.    Teenagers and Dating Qualities: Trust-worthiness

Do you feel that you can trust your son or daughter to be honest with you? If you tell them to clean up their room before they’re allowed to watch any TV, without your supervision, do you believe they will follow your instructions? Or will they make a mad dash to clean up when they hear the garage door opening when you return from the store? Let’s ask this in the context of teenagers and dating: if you allow your daughter to go on a date with the mutual understanding that you know exactly where she’s going to be, would you trust her not to sneak off somewhere else? Say, somewhere dark and deserted in her date’s car?

The problem here is that there is no way you can really know these things unless (1) you betray your child’s trust and privacy and play a little game of ‘Sherlock Holmes, or (2) something horribly wrong happens and you get a call from the police: “I’m sorry Ma’am, but your daughter and her friend here were found illegally parked in a dangerous area and well…” This teenagers and dating advice is that you will want to avoid either one. So, if you trust your student – and this trust is something that is earned over the years by honest, responsible behavior – then teenagers and dating, here they come!

3.    Teenagers and Dating Qualities: Money, Money, Money

Teenagers and dating: it costs money. And it shouldn’t cost YOU, the parent. If your teen is ready to hit the dating highway, then they’re ready to start earning an income to fund their little expeditions to the movies and the mall. It is perfectly fair for you to explain to your teen that if they want to take their date to a movie, or to a restaurant, then they will need to start earning some money so that they can afford it. This teen dating advice will also teach them some valuable lessons about responsibility and budgeting.

Teen Dating Advice: A Final Note on Teenagers and Dating

If you or your teen need help determining whether or not your teenager is ready to date, then I recommend you download my FREE "Teen Dating Readiness Gauge" on my website. When your son or daughter demonstrates these responsible qualities and is at appropriate age, then chances are they are getting ready to hit the dating highway. However, this teen dating advice is not to say that they are ready to go solo! Teenagers and dating can be like gasoline and a match if not supervised, so maintain an open line of communication with your child and always make sure they have your full emotional support (and discerning eye!)

Thoughts on this story about parenting teens?

Remember – safe teen dating does not happen by accident!

Lisa Jander – The Teen Whisperer

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com

As posted in a recent article by Fox News, “The vending machine at Shippensburg University's Etter Health Center that provides Plan B emergency contraceptive pills for $25 was installed after a survey found that 85 percent of student respondents supported it, according to Peter Gigliotti, the university's executive director for communications and marketing. The machine also dispenses condoms and pregnancy tests.”

My head hurts when I realize that this University is including the students’ opinion in the decision about teen sex and whether or not to install the machine. After all, do the students have fully developed healthy adult brains and clearly understand the long-term ramifications of such a decision? They should know; they are well-educated college students, after all. Fox News reports, "Any student who wants to discuss Plan B may do so at any time," Gigliotti's email continued. "In addition, medical information is provided with the Plan B for purchasers to read before its use."

When I was a kid, getting a nickel for a pack of gum from the vending machine was a treat. I felt so grown up when I would take the coin from my dad’s hand, have him lift me up and drop that shiny object into the slot. I remember the tinkling sound of the metal as it worked its way down to the dispenser giving me access to the goods. I would push the dimly lit square button, “D4” and wait in eager anticipation for the chewy goo that rotted my teeth.

If the “powers that be” had polled me and my friends to see if we wanted that vending machine in our Elementary Schools, the response would have been overwhelmingly, “YES!” And, if they provided an opportunity to discuss the damage to my teeth and a picture book with all the pertinent information, I’m sure I would wait patiently in line for both. Poll students for the morning after pill maching for teen sex? Overwhelming…"YES!"

So naturally, I’m excited for the return of the vending machine popularity and all the possibilities it offers regarding teen sex. As I contemplated the options, one new idea that came to mind for teens is the Morning After Voucher for DUI’s. I mean, why not? It would be a great opportunity for anyone over the age of 17 to wipe out the consequences of drunk driving as long as they purchase the voucher within 24 hours of the infraction. Installing these vending machines at every high school as well as on college campuses would really help our babies avoid the consequences that can be so life-altering.

As I read through the article on this debate, I see a clear division in morality, choice, ethics and religious beliefs as a basis for arguing each side. When giving teenage dating advice on the topic of teen sex, it is important to remember the hard evidence on the ability to make good choices at the teen level of brain development. If, as parents, we rely on teens to make their own choices independent of our guidance, how many would clean their room? How many would show up for math class? How many would steer clear of teen sex?

The evidence is in; drunk driving and teen pregnancies are still a problem in our culture. I’m thinking a vending machine is not the solution.

Thoughts on this teen dating advice?

Mama j

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com

Teens dating advice in Sacramento should be no different than in the rest of the U.S.

I really enjoyed my time on the show and I was able to share some of the analogies from Chapter 10 with Marianne McClary. I thought I would include the excerpts to help expand this concept and give parents some real tools to help them guide their teens.

The following topics discussed on the show are taken directly from my book:

This verbiage is taken directly from the State of Michigan Driver’s Ed Study Guide. Anything you see in bold italics, I didn’t make up.

Our state manual says that “REGULATORY SIGNS” are usually red and white or black and white. They are used to “control moving traffic” but they are, more importantly, “a way to communicate.” So what do they “communicate” to our students? Let’s take a look.

DO NOT PASS and PASS WITH CARE

This is an entire chapter all by itself; in fact, it is discussed in depth in Chapter 11: “BoundaryLines.” For now, we will just skim the surface of the explanation of these posted signs.

What happens when you try to pass when you’re not supposed to? In a word, BOOM! If you can’t see what’s coming around the bend, I hope you enjoy the smell of plaster and the feel of full-body traction. “DO NOT PASS” signs are mounted to warn you: “Hey, don’t even think about it. If you pass and crash into that Chevy pick-up that’s barreling over the hill, you can’t say we didn’t warn you. This is going to hurt.”

Model It…

DO NOT PASS. Be a “close-talker.” Stand six inches closer to your student than you normally do. How does that make them feel? It is critical to establish physical boundaries at the very beginning of a relationship. Stand firm on your expectations before you are in over your head. Create an obvious “DO NOT PASS” sign from day one.

A “PASS WITH CARE” sign might be mounted on the bride’s door, but it is an unacceptable marker to display during dating. Make it clear to your vulnerable teen: stay in your own lane and “do not make a pass” until you are married. “PASSING" is dangerous business.

(Sticker)“DO NOT PASS” is a crystal clear “NO.” It does not mean: “Well, ok, if you really feel like it.”

Driver’s Ed teachers don’t even let students attempt to PASS WITH CARE while they are in training. Why? A high-level of danger coupled with an abundance of naïveté = crash + ruin. When you are a beginning dater, the same formula should be put into effect. Play it safe. (“I never feel safe around Chip because he always tries to make a pass at me.”) DO NOT PASS.  Point out to your student that even on the road, when the state determines that it’s a safe stretch of pavement on which to pass, it is still marked PASS WITH CARE. Why? Because you better take care to look ahead at what’s coming the other way and never take your eyes off the goal of arriving safely. PASS WITH CAREis not a big green light. It does not mean “floor it with disregard.”

Model It…

PASS WITH CARE. Talk about abstinence from a driver’s point of view. While driving with your teen, point out the places in the road where it is dangerous to pass. Ask your student what is at risk if they pass without knowing what is ahead. Ask them to study the front end of a Mack truck, and then ask them if they’d like the impression of that grill emblazoned on their foreheads. Be clear that a marriage license is the best indicator that you can “PASS WITH CARE.”

SPEED LIMIT

When you drive, you constantly monitor your speed. Speed limits can change frequently within short distances. Going less than the speed limit can be annoying and incite others to road rage. (“I have been waiting two years for Josh to ask me out. I feel like we are in neutral going nowhere. Maybe I’ll just go around him.”) Speeding is particularly dangerous for both young drivers and inexperienced daters. Their control system is not yet prepared for rushing down the dating highway. (“Kristine moves way too fast. I want to steer clear of that reputation.”)

(Sticker)Who will take control of the speed and keep their foot on the brake?

In what areas is your student moving too fast or too slowly? Do they call 47 times a day or once a month? Does your student beat their date to their locker between every class? Did they try to plant an unwanted kiss? In the same way that speed limits vary around town, set limits for various environments so that your student knows what is and is not a safe rate of speed. (“I can go to the Dairy Queen but Dad said “no” to the Mosh Pit.”)

Model It…

SPEED LIMIT. Drive under the speed limit and watch as the tension in the car rises. Point out the reactions from other drivers. Count how many people offer you unwanted gestures.  If you were to whip quickly around a blind curve, would your student speak up about how uncomfortable that is? Talk about the “safe speed” in a relationship. Would the Prom be a good first date? (Here’s a subtle hint: NO! NO! Just say no! That’s like driving the Detroit Grand Prix for your first road test.

CURVE AHEAD – “This sign indicates that the road ahead is going to take a turn that is going to limit your visibility and head you in a different direction than the way you have gotten used to. In addition, it will mean you have to slow down.”

Is there an upcoming event in your student’s life that may throw their date a curve? A big exam? A competition? A date with someone else? (“Heather is really stressing over her Trig final.”) (“Justin is so nervous about the audition for the school play that all he does is recite Shakespeare morning till night.”) Part of Driver’s Ed is learning how to handle curves. Step one: slow down as you approach the curve.  Staying alert is critical to navigating the new landscape. Your student will face curves on the roads of their relationships many times. Learning to stay calm and stay focused even though the visibility is limited requires practice. Pay attention.

Model It…

CURVE AHEAD. This is different from road work. Road work comes and goes. Curves are constant and have far fewer and less obvious warning signs. In a curve, visibility will be limited until the straightaway. Discuss the reality that curves occur on every road, in any relationship. Discuss how to proceed with caution.

GUIDE SIGNS - “These signs are blue and show what is available ahead indicating some distance, destination and direction.”           

REST AREA

Does your student need to take a break from the relationship? Are they checking all their gauges? Most rest areas have maps and, well, a place to rest. Have your student stop and check their course and desired destination. Are both the student and the date headed in the same direction? Are they on track? Do they need to refuel? (“Michael is suffocating me. I need some time to breathe and think about whether this is what I want.”) (“Paige is so busy with Marching Band and soccer. We just need to chill for a month or so.”)

Model It…

REST AREA. Pull into a rest area and point out the differences between rest areas and a Mike’s Super Truck Stop. (The rest area is quieter, it offers less distraction.) You don’t stop at a rest area to eat, shop, or look at a big ball of twine. You are there to take a break. Talk about how healthy it is to just stop and rest occasionally. Breathe in some fresh air.

SIGNALS – “Generally used when a sign is not enough. They are typically used in combination with pavement markings indicating a line you do not cross.”

GREEN LIGHT

Is that really a green light your student’s date is sending? Green is an invitation to proceed, in both directions.

Model It…

When you are at an intersection, does the light usually turn green in just one direction? No. Traffic will move forward in both directions. Communication and commitment are far more successful when both parties proceed on the same green light.

YELLOW LIGHT

Did the signal just change? Did one party just hesitate a little bit? At a yellow light, you must decide whether to go forward or stop. When is a yellow just a yellow, and when is it slightly orange?

Model It…

At a yellow light, you can either brake or floor it. Discuss which is safer. Be alert and recognize when things might unexpectedly be put on hold for a time or not happen as quickly as expected. Maybe the person they wish to date has already said yes to someone else for Prom. No problem. Wait it out. Their turn will come. Idle in anticipation.

RED LIGHT - Full stop!!!!!!!

 Is your student creeping past the line anticipating a green light? Does their nose stick out beyond the safety zone just waiting to get flattened?

Model It…

Come to a full and complete STOP at a red light. Not rolling, not a tap on the brakes, but DO NOT MAKE A MOVE. Talk about respecting someone’s flashing red light and not going one inch over the mark.

Constantly reading signs is a crucial part of driving safety. It is of no less importance when it comes to dating. Dating signs are not written in large block reflective print, but if we teach our teens some of the obvious things to look for, they are less likely to run off the road onto someone’s lawn. Even if you’ve been driving for 10 years, you still read the signs. Ever been driving on an unfamiliar freeway when the temperature suddenly drops and the rain turns to sleet? Those signs that say “Bridge freezes before road surface” suddenly become crucial to staying alive. Relationships change just like road conditions change. Whether you’ve been dating for 10 days or 10 years, you must still watch for signs so you can arrive safely.

Thoughts on this teen dating advice?

Mama j  

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”      www.DatersEd.com

The appropriate age for dating is complicated. Just because a teen turns 16 and is legally allowed to drive, does not mean they are mature enough to handle a two-ton vehicle going 10 miles per hour on the freeway.

The teen brain is not fully developed. Their synapses are not firing on all cylinders. They are not defective – they are just missing parts.

The state mandates that parents are part of the learning curve in driving because WE have a fully developed pre-frontal cortex and can warn our child when they head the wrong way down a one-way street.

With teen pregnancies, teens dating under the influence of drugs and alcohol and teen dating violence and abuse, our teens are headed for a teen dating crisis and need healthy boundary lines to stay on the right road.

Very few teens fail Driver’s Ed – millions fail at dating.

When I coach parents, what I see most often is what I call, "airbag parenting" – deployment after the fact and not always effective.

If we stand on the porch and wave as they pull away from the curb for the first time without any guidance or instruction, we can expect a call when there is an accident.

Safe teen dating does not happen by accident!

Lisa Jander

Teen Whisperer           

Is parenting teens a sport or a responsibility?

According to ABC News, Tommy Jordan is getting quite a bit of recognition for his parenting skills by shooting bullets through his defiant daughter’s laptop. If he was looking for spectators for this new game he invented, he has clearly been successful with 246,000 likes on YouTube. What a great sport!

What’s missing for me in all the sensationalism is the potential long-term effects by the bridge he successfully built in his daughter’s brain while playing with guns. In one 8-minute video, he set a memory in concrete. This is a memory that is not likely going away and less likely to be the endearing story told around this family’s Thanksgiving dinner table in years ahead.

Though I completely understand the frustration of a troubled teen and the stress it can create in a home, when parenting teens, our response is still our responsibility. It is our job to recognize when we need help parenting; a gun shot to the laptop is a pretty clear sign.

The teen brain is not fully developed. There is a gap. They are not defective; they are incomplete. It is our responsibility as parents to bridge that gap with the tools our kids need to navigate life and become healthy adults. Building a safe, functional, secure bridge takes work. If we don’t have the tools, skill or knowledge, doesn’t it make sense to hire someone who does?

I owned a home in Michigan where we had to cross a bridge to get safely across a dam to access our property. When we moved in, we had the bridge inspected and found the bridge to be unsafe to cross. It was condemned due to neglect. Now, I admit, I am pretty handy but I know that building a bridge for a two-ton vehicle to traverse is out of my realm of expertise. So, I had three options:

1.  I could ignore the condition of the bridge and hope it would “turn out just fine with age.” 

2.  I could get out my nail gun and radial arm saw and attempt to build the bridge myself.

3.  Or, I could admit that I needed help and hire a professional to complete the job.

Who in their right mind would trust the first two options! Both are a guarantee for disaster. The only smart and safe choice would be to recognize the magnitude of the problem and enlist a qualified, licensed professional to do the work. Someone with a skill set I could not learn overnight. (or even in 3 years for that matter!)

We got 4 estimates and chose a company that had our best interest in mind that we knew we could trust. The job lasted almost 3 months and cost 175k. I stood by the fence daily, fascinated, as destruction became construction. I grew to appreciate the engineering degree that I didn’t have which was clearly required to achieve the desired goal. What could have been a nightmare was instead an expensive, well-planned, strategic solution with invaluable results.

Tommy Jordan needs help. Almost as much as his daughter does, maybe more. He needs the support, the tools, the guidance and the professionals to step in and help him get his daughter on solid ground.

Our bridge took 125 years to fall apart. It doesn’t take that long for teens and it doesn’t just happen overnight. In the Jordan family, there had been erosion and decay for years before the death of the laptop. Relational deterioration was obvious and extreme.

I’m writing the sequel – “Daughter’s Teen Brain: Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

Thoughts on this teen dating advice?

Mama j

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com

Let us always meet each other with a smile,

for the smile is the beginning of love.

~Mother Teresa

So what went wrong? My experience has been that there is always a trail, always. Show me the gentle soul that just has a momentary loss of judgment, morals, compassion, intellect, and self-control and decides to murder someone they care for without some prior evidence of capability.

In the Fox News article, they quote a classmate who stated, “"I never in a million years could expect that from George and I still find it hard to believe," said one college classmate, speaking to FoxNews.com on condition of anonymity."I had multiple encounters and conversations with him and he never seemed capable of such a thing — no matter what the circumstances."

“NEVER seemed capable”???  But wait, just a few paragraphs earlier, Fox News reports that, “Police in Lexington, Va., about 70 miles from Charlottesville, said that in November 2008, Huguely was shocked with a stun gun by an officer there after resisting arrest for public intoxication. He pleaded guilty to two charges last year, was placed on six months of probation and given a 60-day sentence, which was suspended.

The arresting officer, R.L. Moss, said in a statement Tuesday that she felt it necessary to use the stun gun because Huguely became abusive and his size was no match for her.”

I’m having a hard time using the words “never seemed capable” and “stun gun” in the same sentence. There was evidence of anger. Documented evidence. What’s not to get?

I’m not saying that every angry outburst ends up in a murder trail. What I am saying is that we are kidding ourselves if we think we can blindly negate the behavioral issues as they are presented and then deny any warning signs as evidence to the inevitable outcome. That is irresponsible and it this case, tragic.

Let’s look at this from a different perspective. If my teen had 3 speeding tickets and 2 DUI’s, how would you respond if I said that I was shocked when my son got in a drunk driving accident when he took your daughter on a date? What if I said, “I had multiple trips with him in the car and he never seemed capable of such a thing – no matter what the circumstances.”?  Really?

Here’s the problem. We are a reactionary society. We have laws but we can’t enforce the laws until there has been a violation. With driving, we have an entire police force combing the streets looking for traffic violations and enforcing the law. With dating, who are the police? Who will be the one to “let the authorities know” that a nice young High School student is verbally abusive to her boyfriend. Who is in place to “report” physical aggression witnessed at the mall? There is no such thing as the “Dating Cop.” Are teens expected to be the enforcers? The parents? School officials?

The real tragedy about this story is that in might have been prevented and there will be others like it if we don’t make a choice to heed the warning signs. If, as a culture, we continue to drive blindly through the evidence that should be raising red flags, then dating violence and abuse will accelerate faster than the throttle stuck open without any brakes. Prepare for the crash.

Thoughts on this teen dating advice?

Mama j

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com

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