The appropriate age for dating is complicated. Just because a teen turns 16 and is legally allowed to drive, does not mean they are mature enough to handle a two-ton vehicle going 10 miles per hour on the freeway.

The teen brain is not fully developed. Their synapses are not firing on all cylinders. They are not defective – they are just missing parts.

The state mandates that parents are part of the learning curve in driving because WE have a fully developed pre-frontal cortex and can warn our child when they head the wrong way down a one-way street.

With teen pregnancies, teens dating under the influence of drugs and alcohol and teen dating violence and abuse, our teens are headed for a teen dating crisis and need healthy boundary lines to stay on the right road.

Very few teens fail Driver’s Ed – millions fail at dating.

When I coach parents, what I see most often is what I call, "airbag parenting" – deployment after the fact and not always effective.

If we stand on the porch and wave as they pull away from the curb for the first time without any guidance or instruction, we can expect a call when there is an accident.

Safe teen dating does not happen by accident!

Lisa Jander

Teen Whisperer           

Is parenting teens a sport or a responsibility?

According to ABC News, Tommy Jordan is getting quite a bit of recognition for his parenting skills by shooting bullets through his defiant daughter’s laptop. If he was looking for spectators for this new game he invented, he has clearly been successful with 246,000 likes on YouTube. What a great sport!

What’s missing for me in all the sensationalism is the potential long-term effects by the bridge he successfully built in his daughter’s brain while playing with guns. In one 8-minute video, he set a memory in concrete. This is a memory that is not likely going away and less likely to be the endearing story told around this family’s Thanksgiving dinner table in years ahead.

Though I completely understand the frustration of a troubled teen and the stress it can create in a home, when parenting teens, our response is still our responsibility. It is our job to recognize when we need help parenting; a gun shot to the laptop is a pretty clear sign.

The teen brain is not fully developed. There is a gap. They are not defective; they are incomplete. It is our responsibility as parents to bridge that gap with the tools our kids need to navigate life and become healthy adults. Building a safe, functional, secure bridge takes work. If we don’t have the tools, skill or knowledge, doesn’t it make sense to hire someone who does?

I owned a home in Michigan where we had to cross a bridge to get safely across a dam to access our property. When we moved in, we had the bridge inspected and found the bridge to be unsafe to cross. It was condemned due to neglect. Now, I admit, I am pretty handy but I know that building a bridge for a two-ton vehicle to traverse is out of my realm of expertise. So, I had three options:

1.  I could ignore the condition of the bridge and hope it would “turn out just fine with age.” 

2.  I could get out my nail gun and radial arm saw and attempt to build the bridge myself.

3.  Or, I could admit that I needed help and hire a professional to complete the job.

Who in their right mind would trust the first two options! Both are a guarantee for disaster. The only smart and safe choice would be to recognize the magnitude of the problem and enlist a qualified, licensed professional to do the work. Someone with a skill set I could not learn overnight. (or even in 3 years for that matter!)

We got 4 estimates and chose a company that had our best interest in mind that we knew we could trust. The job lasted almost 3 months and cost 175k. I stood by the fence daily, fascinated, as destruction became construction. I grew to appreciate the engineering degree that I didn’t have which was clearly required to achieve the desired goal. What could have been a nightmare was instead an expensive, well-planned, strategic solution with invaluable results.

Tommy Jordan needs help. Almost as much as his daughter does, maybe more. He needs the support, the tools, the guidance and the professionals to step in and help him get his daughter on solid ground.

Our bridge took 125 years to fall apart. It doesn’t take that long for teens and it doesn’t just happen overnight. In the Jordan family, there had been erosion and decay for years before the death of the laptop. Relational deterioration was obvious and extreme.

I’m writing the sequel – “Daughter’s Teen Brain: Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

Thoughts on this teen dating advice?

Mama j

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com

Let us always meet each other with a smile,

for the smile is the beginning of love.

~Mother Teresa

So what went wrong? My experience has been that there is always a trail, always. Show me the gentle soul that just has a momentary loss of judgment, morals, compassion, intellect, and self-control and decides to murder someone they care for without some prior evidence of capability.

In the Fox News article, they quote a classmate who stated, “"I never in a million years could expect that from George and I still find it hard to believe," said one college classmate, speaking to FoxNews.com on condition of anonymity."I had multiple encounters and conversations with him and he never seemed capable of such a thing — no matter what the circumstances."

“NEVER seemed capable”???  But wait, just a few paragraphs earlier, Fox News reports that, “Police in Lexington, Va., about 70 miles from Charlottesville, said that in November 2008, Huguely was shocked with a stun gun by an officer there after resisting arrest for public intoxication. He pleaded guilty to two charges last year, was placed on six months of probation and given a 60-day sentence, which was suspended.

The arresting officer, R.L. Moss, said in a statement Tuesday that she felt it necessary to use the stun gun because Huguely became abusive and his size was no match for her.”

I’m having a hard time using the words “never seemed capable” and “stun gun” in the same sentence. There was evidence of anger. Documented evidence. What’s not to get?

I’m not saying that every angry outburst ends up in a murder trail. What I am saying is that we are kidding ourselves if we think we can blindly negate the behavioral issues as they are presented and then deny any warning signs as evidence to the inevitable outcome. That is irresponsible and it this case, tragic.

Let’s look at this from a different perspective. If my teen had 3 speeding tickets and 2 DUI’s, how would you respond if I said that I was shocked when my son got in a drunk driving accident when he took your daughter on a date? What if I said, “I had multiple trips with him in the car and he never seemed capable of such a thing – no matter what the circumstances.”?  Really?

Here’s the problem. We are a reactionary society. We have laws but we can’t enforce the laws until there has been a violation. With driving, we have an entire police force combing the streets looking for traffic violations and enforcing the law. With dating, who are the police? Who will be the one to “let the authorities know” that a nice young High School student is verbally abusive to her boyfriend. Who is in place to “report” physical aggression witnessed at the mall? There is no such thing as the “Dating Cop.” Are teens expected to be the enforcers? The parents? School officials?

The real tragedy about this story is that in might have been prevented and there will be others like it if we don’t make a choice to heed the warning signs. If, as a culture, we continue to drive blindly through the evidence that should be raising red flags, then dating violence and abuse will accelerate faster than the throttle stuck open without any brakes. Prepare for the crash.

Thoughts on this teen dating advice?

Mama j

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com

I'm talking about #teendatingadvice today as @lesbrown_speaks on KFWB.

Tune in 2-4:00pm PST http://tinyurl.com/LesBrownRadio

Join us today!

~George Elliot

This is going to make a lot of people that are parenting teens mad. Oh, well. I’m mad too.

We are all busy so I will get right to the bottom line: if you invest more time and money on your car than you do on your teens, your holidays are going to be stressful no matter what you do. Parenting teens is not a seasonal obligation. It is a full time privilege and if you wait to parade your teens all dressed up and shiny with a front loaded lecture on behaving at Aunt Mary’s house, expect backfire.

Let me clarify. I live in Southern California and I was raised in Detroit. What do these have in common? Car addiction. Grown adults that are simply obsessed with the vehicle in their garage. They pamper, protect and provide for their cars all year long in a way that makes me think they gave birth to them. Ouch! If it weren’t so sad, it would be comical. “Oh! She’s beautiful! Let’s call her “Mercedes!””

I hear teens, I mean I really listen and what do they all want for the holidays? Attention. That’s it. Plain and simple. Oh, sure. They are begging for the newest iPhone. Why? Because that, my friends, is a form of attention. They will attract more friends, be able to talk to more friends, meet more friends. All with a device that oddly reminds me of the precursor to the car obsession. Hmmm? Wonder where they learned that?

I keep reading all these articles about how to dodge the stress bullet during the holidays with the same stuff I have been reading for years: make your expectations known in advance, negotiate how much time teens can spend with their friends, give them tasks to make them feel like they are a part of the family. If that hasn’t been done by now, don’t bother. That would be like never taking your car out of the garage for 3 years and then expecting it to start right up and purr like a kitten.

Maybe the parenting teens expectation is that we actually put the relationship with them first and they will WANT to do all of the holiday/family stuff naturally…because it feels good! They love the smell of cinnamon because you have been baking cookies with them for years. They love to hang lights because it reminds them of the sparkle in your eye when you spend time with them face-to-face. They can’t wait to wrap presents because they finally have a chance to do something nice for you – to give back just an ounce of what you have given them.

Teens are the miniature versions of us. Their needs are the same as ours only less refined and definable. It is our privilege and responsibility to help them identify what calms them and gives them the full tank of joy that the Holidays always advertise and rarely deliver. It can’t be found in stuff – at least not long term. The “presents” will never be able to replace the “presence.”

So this season, whatever you choose to celebrate, add to the wish list a home filled with peace that only comes from giving and receiving Love. Spend time with your family. Give as much attention to the care and keeping of your teens as you do with your car. The shine will far outlast a wash and wax.

Your thoughts on this teen dating advice?

Have any teenage dating stories to share?

Mama j

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers to learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com

In a recent article in OurWeekly.com on Teen Dating Violence, the Los Angeles Unified School District Board of Education was said to have approved a resolution after a 17-year-old girl was allegedly stabbed by her boyfriend. The LAUSD is working towards funding a prevention program to raise teen dating violence awareness in the schools. What they are attempting to do is commendable and necessary and certainly not an easy undertaking.

I think we would all agree that this is a topic has gained much more attention lately as the risk and frequency of teen dating violence seems to be accelerating at a rapid rate. The question is; how do we solve the problem?

Teen Dating Violence: Worse than a Ding in your Door?

I can actually wrap my brain around teen dating violence and why it has reached such epidemic proportions. Our kids are exposed to enough violence and abuse on T.V. and in the Media to convince their underdeveloped teen brains that it is the norm. Our culture has done a really good job of immunizing the affects of violence.  A teen watching another teen get tossed around is like being in the audience of a live Realty Show – the teen brain may have a hard time determining if the experience is more terrifying than it is entertaining. In addition, teens are being conditioned to place more value on their material possessions – their ‘stuff’ – than on their lives, their bodies or their futures in spite of our efforts. They freak out if their iPod gets stepped on but they won’t say a word when they witness a girl kick-boxing her boyfriend in the hallway. Why? Possessions are more valuable. The message? You can live without your teeth but you can’t live without tunes.

Maybe we are going about this all wrong. Maybe, our teen dating violence education is not driving the point home to the teen brain because it is so unfamiliar, so foreign, so hard to grasp. Maybe their pre-frontal cortex just simply can’t find a way to turn a teen dating violence experience into something worth standing up against or speaking out about. Maybe we are asking, no, expecting our teens to relate to something that is so abstract and distant from their reality that it never reaches a level of appropriate response. Let me give you an example of how the teen brain works by using a car analogy I will call “teen car violence.”

Imagine walking up to your teen’s car and slowly, methodically dragging your car keys down the length of it. What would your teen’s response be? Would they stand by and watch in shock muttering, “Wow, that’s messed up,” or would they blow a gasket and defend their car by throwing a fit?

Teen Dating Violence: Car Analogy

It’s sad to say, I think the reaction to teen car violence would be much greater than witnessing teen dating violence in many situations. I don’t think most teens would hesitate to speak up against car violence and tell the appropriate authorities. On the other hand, tell an adult about teen dating violence? Probably not. And that is what is so sad.

I’m not suggesting you vandalize your teen’s car. And I’m not suggesting there is a simple solution. I’m suggesting that maybe the analogy of teen car violence to teen dating violence would help us give our teens perspective to make the connection between the value of life and the value of stuff. It might be worth a conversation.

Your thoughts on this teenage dating advice?

Mama j

Lisa Jander, Teen Whisperer

In the book Dater’s Ed, Lisa Jander, the Teen Whisperer, helps teenagers learn how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”www.DatersEd.com

Yep, you warned them with amazing teen dating advice. You pointed to the sign and still they made a wrong turn. Now…panic, confusion and hopefully revelation grips them they same way they are gripping the steering wheel. The signs were there, larger than life.  “One Way” with a big fat arrow. No mistake, just a touch of arrogance and carelessness that landed your teen dating in this predicament.

What now? How do you fix this for them – have your child turn around and go back the right way? People stop and stare with a blend of judgment, pity and recognition on their faces – they’ve seen others do the same. They know how your kid got there and with a glance of “I told you so” they watch to see what you will do. Maybe they are headed the wrong way down a one-way street. Maybe they are headed the wrong way down a one-way relationship.

Relationships have rules just like driving. Our teens can ignore the rules with confidence and ignorance because they know a faster, easier or better way to get where they think they want to go only to find themselves facing the masses that are heading in the other direction. What makes teens think they can break the rules and not end up in a bad teen dating situation?

Teens want to be creative, different and not follow the traffic of boring people that obey the signs. They do not remember they will have to pay the consequences. Sure, a few of them might get away with it a time or two when no one else is around but eventually, they will end up in a jam. There are rules of the road. What teenage dating advice can we give our students to make sure they are not going the wrong way down a clearly marked one-way street? Pay attention, navigate for them but don’t grab the wheel.

The Best Teenage Dating Advice: Help Your Student to Look Ahead

The same goes for dating, the goal is to teach teens how to navigate safely and not try to go against the flow. Our job is to guide and instruct in a way that our students will understand the importance and wisdom of healthy teenage dating advice. If we yell, they can’t hear us – they freeze and become ineffective. If we ignore their choices, they become self-reliant without the tools to always make the best decision. If we criticize, they learn to steer clear of our instruction.

Teens respond best when there is plenty of warning delivered in a clear, calm manner. “Tyler, up ahead you will be coming to one-way street. Let’s slow down, change lanes and make sure you are still on the right road going in the right direction.”

There is a slow, methodical method to teaching safe driving habits. We often assume our teens would not choose the wrong way and our instruction can feel redundant. However, going through the drill of delivering sound teenage dating advice is what drives home the message before it’s too late. Prevention is far less dramatic than a head-on collision. If your family is in the middle of teen dating, learn to help your teen to go with the flow of safety…even if seems boring.

Thoughts on this teenage dating advice? Safe teen dating does not happen by accident!

Mama j

In her book “Dater’s Ed,” Lisa Jander, the Teen-Whisperer, helps parents teach their teenagers how to “date defensively, navigate safely and steer clear of unhealthy relationships.”    www.DatersEd.com